I have been amazed at my perseverance this semester thus far. I haven't felt so overwhelmed or unhappy that I've felt the need to shut down and not get done what I have to. But that's changed tonight. Tonight I feel exhausted because I don't sleep. Tonight I feel overworked, overcommited, unprepared and incompetent. Tonight I miss old friends, have no patience, have no grace for others and their opinions. Tonight I'm tired of hearing that people are to busy: to busy for me, to busy to serve their community, to busy to do anything but dedicate their lives to school and facebook. Tonight I'm angry and feel like throwing in the towel on my responsibilities and slinking away to hide under the covers. It reminds me of something I wrote quite awhile back: I'm not sure how long ago. I've been waiting for a time to write it down and I think now is good.
* * * * * * *
I start like the breeze. Like the clouds on the horizon and you can feel it in your knees. I overcast you, and them, dark and brooding and overriding. I push like the wind: forcing and demanding, unrelenting and dizzying. I speak like the lightning and I see, then I feel, I look like the thunder. You feel it, and I know, and I build: I am empowered, and the lightning strikes. And with it that thunder. Louder and feeding-off you. And I will cry like the rain. Hysterical. Not withheld. And inside, I will shake. Like the earth. And like mud in the morning, I will collect my broken branches and shambles, and slide back into your sunlit solid arms. And your mercy will smell like fresh cut grass and your grace will sound like joyous bird songs and your wisdom-you will careen around me like galaxies awhirl, stars atwirl, and deep echoing endless knowing. And nauseous, I will take a step back.
10/5/11
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