a growl

I vow
Oh, I vow
A vow of silence.
But of course not!
I’ll give it up tomorrow.
~~~Give it up with my convictions
~~~And my morality.
I make a vow of chastity.
~~~And that’s laughable:
~~~I’ll do what I want.
Oh, I’ll make a vow.
And I’ll forget it the next day.
~~~The next hour.
~~~The next minute.
~~~I’ll have trouble remembering what I want to write next.
I’ll slink back to my cave
A writhing mass of disgust
Dark and angry and real
~~~I don’t need to smile
~~~~~~To make you comfortable.
~~~And my eyes will look like they’re really seeing:
Because now they are.
They’ve tasted and they’ve seen.
And they know both good and evil.

I need to wrestle it out.
Clutch it in my hands
~~~Between my fingers
~~~And squeeze the life out of it
~~~Strangle it long after it’s dead.
I need to rage
~~~And be looked at with calm.
Rage.
~~~Like a whirlwind. Like a storm.
I need to sweat it out on the pavement
Bike it out in the distance
Dance it out in wisps and reaches.

I need to sit.
~~~And fume. And be.
A being that knows itself far too well.
~~~And doesn’t like what it sees.
I need to get better.
~~~And not by way of hugs and prayers
~~~~~~Teddy bears and kisses
~~~White light and joy
~~~~~~A quick fix Jesus
~~~Not by way of heart to hearts
~~~~~~Pink dressed schoolgirls
~~~Or smiles and sweetness.
~~~~~~The dutiful christian reaching out to the gentile.


By way of a firm grasp on the shoulders.
An honest look straight to my eyes
~~~The same one in mine.
And I need to be told:
~~~We will do this.

~~~~~~~~~And I will ravage whoever tries it and does not have my eyes.

They say: love—it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free.
~~~I have seldom been free. And,
~~~I do not think that I have ever been loved.

10/8/11