Affirmation

I opened up my facebook and found this in my inbox:

Toni,

A few weeks ago your name popped into my head. I don't know what memory, sound, or action brought you to mind but I was curious about how you were doing. When I found your profile here on Facebook I should have just said "hey, remember me?" and asked you directly. Instead I found a link to your blog. Since then I've read my way through every post you've made. We were never close "friends" so I apologize if those words were not meant for me. If you ask it of me I will never visit your blog again, but first hear what I have to say.

I don't know how to say what your words have meant to me but I feel compelled to try. They've been challenging, heart-wrenching, exhilarating, frustrating, hopeful and life-bringing. Many made me pause and think for a while.

Your openness sets you apart. You sometimes don't say precisely what you mean, but you always say exactly what you feel. You experience more deeply and express yourself more eloquently than I ever will. You never just let life happen - you have to wrestle with it, try to make sense of it. And I think this puts you closer to God than you may see in yourself. This is not the easy path, but the longer you hold the course the more meaningful your life will be for yourself and all those around you.

In many ways our stories are similar. I have found encouragement in your words and comfort that I'm not alone in my struggles. I am certain I am not the only person your words have touched. I hope you have the courage to continue to be open and honest, and follow God wherever you think he may be leading. There will always be people cheering you on, praying for you, and hoping to see you succeed even when it feels like the whole world's against you (it's not!)

Toni, even if you never intended to share these thoughts with your old peer advisor, I thank you.

- ****

I didn't know my peer advisor well: he was always nice, would catch me in the Bruin Den and check in with me, always greeted me and used my name in passing in the Quad, and that always stood out to me. I was impressed by how consistently caring he was and enjoyed the fact that he remembered who I was. But he graduated and the world kept turning and that was that: that's why when I saw his name in my inbox it took me a few seconds to recognise the last name and realize who he was. I was shocked: how on earth had he remembered me?

I feel like I've used this phrase quite a bit lately, but honestly I was floored. I never think that people actually read my blog, though I always kind of wonder who happens upon it or has read an entry here or there. I've been so influenced by other people's works of art and writing that I hope people find value in my own, and it's always one of those guilty wishes that someone would happen upon it and actually find value, depth, wisdom, and quality in it. And out of the blue, my old peer advisor did.

He provided insight about myself that I hadn't realized. Things like, "You sometimes don't say precisely what you mean, but you always say exactly what you feel." And, "You never just let life happen - you have to wrestle with it, try to make sense of it." I pondered those things: they are completely true about the way I approach life.

Thank you for finding value not just in what I write and in what I find value in, but also for finding value in me. I was so encouraged. I gained insight by being able to see your perspective of ASIH and of myself. I have since found your PCT Journal and am making my way through it:

Fellow adventurer: I am glad to have gained a new friend.

10/14/11