FAT

I did a survey to get credit for my psychology class and it was a survey completely geared toward women and their self image. I didn't think much of it before I took it-I realize that my culture puts pressure on me to look perfect and skinny and what have you; it's not a new concept to me. But the questions started out asking about my mother. What is her self image like? And I answered honestly, confirming that she wishes she were thinner, feels the need to diet, comments on women being beautiful when they're thin, and has been critical of my image, even if it's not my weight. And the questions about my father went the same way. And the questions about my close friends went the same way. And I got off my computer, walked into the kitchen, and there were two of my close friends for the next half hour on and off, one male and one female, complaining about how they're overweight, how they shouldn't be eating so much, and talking about the way other people look as well. Ah. The idea that my culture puts pressure on me took on a whole new meaning.

Every single person that has influenced my life growing up and sharing life with me now has been critical of body size. Critical of their own and critical of others. It surrounds every conversation about clothes, food, beauty, and excersize. People larger than me want to be thinner and people smaller than me want to be thinner. People smaller than me talk right in front of me about how they wish they were skinnier because they think the way they look is disgusting. They think "fat" people are disgusting. And it makes me look at myself and worry. Worry that every single person around me is determining their own worth by their body size, judging others according to theirs, and therefore making assumptions about me based on mine.

I look at myself, and I am okay with myself. But I interact with the world around me and feel fat. Feel "not good enough" because no one seems to think they look good enough so why would anyone think that I do? And there's no pretty conclusion here. Just the realization that I am surrounded by physically critical people that have been making me physically critical of myself since birth.

So to all of you people that look just fine
and are obsessed with criticizing your weight,
(Please) Shut up.
You're making me uncomfortable.
The oldest sculpture we have,
The oldest glimpse into the first culture,
which honors a woman's beauty
is this:


Where did those days go?
I want them back.

9/4/11