There are mysteries right under my nose.
No one in the world knows how many leaves are on the tree behind my ethics class.
And no one ever will.
1/13/11
And no one ever will.
1/13/11
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Vanity
There is no remembrance of former things, nor will there be any remembrance of later things yet to be among those who come after. I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is worthless and hollow, and a striving after wind. ---Ecclesiastes
These people will not be remembered. Not their names or birthdays, not their favorite colors or favorite pastimes. The things that they held dear like their grandmother sitting in her chair humming old tunes, the sound of their mother in the kitchen, the smell of the earth in the wind and the arguments before bed. Not their thoughts of strength as they went hungry, not their courage in the face of despair. What they were proud of in their lives, what made them who they are is gone. What gave their lives value is gone. They, in all their glory, are not remembered.
"Our life is a book to which we add daily, until suddenly we are finished, and then the manuscript is burned."
— J.M. Barrie
I won't be remembered either. Maybe my name, and maybe my birthday, but no one will know the value I found in the fireflies over that field, my love for boston creme donuts, the way I drink my coffee, or what I collect. No one will have my bike, my stuffed animals, or my dried roses. No one will remember my greatest accomplishments: the conquering of my temper, the summer I biked, the saving of my friend, the learning to love, and all the wisdom I acquire. All the wisdom I acquire has always existed before me and will be gone from me when I die.
I will not be remembered and everything I do is meaningless.
How am I to live my life?
1/12/11
These people will not be remembered. Not their names or birthdays, not their favorite colors or favorite pastimes. The things that they held dear like their grandmother sitting in her chair humming old tunes, the sound of their mother in the kitchen, the smell of the earth in the wind and the arguments before bed. Not their thoughts of strength as they went hungry, not their courage in the face of despair. What they were proud of in their lives, what made them who they are is gone. What gave their lives value is gone. They, in all their glory, are not remembered.
"Our life is a book to which we add daily, until suddenly we are finished, and then the manuscript is burned."
— J.M. Barrie
I won't be remembered either. Maybe my name, and maybe my birthday, but no one will know the value I found in the fireflies over that field, my love for boston creme donuts, the way I drink my coffee, or what I collect. No one will have my bike, my stuffed animals, or my dried roses. No one will remember my greatest accomplishments: the conquering of my temper, the summer I biked, the saving of my friend, the learning to love, and all the wisdom I acquire. All the wisdom I acquire has always existed before me and will be gone from me when I die.
I will not be remembered and everything I do is meaningless.
How am I to live my life?
1/12/11
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Nightmares
Most of my dreams involve someone chasing me, whether very near or very far away, and trying to kill me. This doesn't bother be very much anymore considering it's become a regular occurrence, and most of the time it ends up being much like a video game: if I lose, it starts over and I get a chance to try something new. I like to think my dreams give me an extra place to learn about myself, what works and what doesn't, and how to be courageous. I once went through a phase where I was terrified that if someone was in trouble, I would be too afraid to help them. I would have dreams that my friends were being attacked and I was hiding, that someone was in trouble and I was too afraid to go help them at risk of getting hurt myself. I kept having these dreams until I learned to man up and risk my life for the sake of others: sometimes I died, sometimes I lived. That literally translated over to the way I live my life.
In my dreams I choose my own actions, and I feel pain. Last night in my dreams I would wake up and be laying on a bed, or a table, and someone would be standing over me. These were people I knew and it was someone different almost every time. So I would wake up, they would talk to me for maybe a moment, and then would proceed to attempt to hold me down and eat me alive. I got no sleep, went in and out of terrified dreams all night, and woke up a sleep deprived bitch.
Why is this important? I want to find the value of sleep. Dreaming is a way for me to learn, to experience, to mold and shape my life. You'd be surprised by the character changes that occur after you've been chewed on and pulled out people's hair all night. Getting sleep allows me to learn, change, vent, adventure, experience, and renew. And if I don't get sleep I end up a miserable, deadpan, stuffy and sick disaster (like the whole of this morning): and that really affects the quality of my day.
Sleeping is not an extension of the day before you go to sleep, it's the beginning of the day that is to come. That's one reason why it's important.
PS This post it pending a picture. When I looked up a picture of what I wanted, it freaked me out so much that I'm not sure I really want to put it on here...in fear of the viewers sanity. And my own when reading this back. So...we'll see.
Instead of horrifying pictures you get this:
1/11/11
In my dreams I choose my own actions, and I feel pain. Last night in my dreams I would wake up and be laying on a bed, or a table, and someone would be standing over me. These were people I knew and it was someone different almost every time. So I would wake up, they would talk to me for maybe a moment, and then would proceed to attempt to hold me down and eat me alive. I got no sleep, went in and out of terrified dreams all night, and woke up a sleep deprived bitch.
Why is this important? I want to find the value of sleep. Dreaming is a way for me to learn, to experience, to mold and shape my life. You'd be surprised by the character changes that occur after you've been chewed on and pulled out people's hair all night. Getting sleep allows me to learn, change, vent, adventure, experience, and renew. And if I don't get sleep I end up a miserable, deadpan, stuffy and sick disaster (like the whole of this morning): and that really affects the quality of my day.
Sleeping is not an extension of the day before you go to sleep, it's the beginning of the day that is to come. That's one reason why it's important.
PS This post it pending a picture. When I looked up a picture of what I wanted, it freaked me out so much that I'm not sure I really want to put it on here...in fear of the viewers sanity. And my own when reading this back. So...we'll see.
Instead of horrifying pictures you get this:
1/11/11
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Alone Time
When things are going great with people and I'm frequently surrounded by loving friends, I find that I want alone time. It's not at all that I don't want to hang out with groups or that I'm tired of them, but I find that when I do get some hours of quiet time to myself, I can enjoy them with the comfort of knowing that I'm not alone because no one wants to be with me, but that I've been filled to the brim with satisfaction because of the time people have spent on me, and can therefore make my time alone something that is not sorrow or boredom and seclusion, but a time of renewal, peace and depth.
What I want to remember is that when I start hating my time alone and finding misery in it, it means that I have lost the balance in my life and need to spend more time with my friends, and in this case the lovely women that I live with and the others that love them as well.
11/10/11
What I want to remember is that when I start hating my time alone and finding misery in it, it means that I have lost the balance in my life and need to spend more time with my friends, and in this case the lovely women that I live with and the others that love them as well.
11/10/11
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Bedtime
I never want to go to sleep at night. That's why I stay up until insane hours and don't get any sleep. My theory is that I don't feel like I've accomplished enough in my day and I still feel the need to do things, even if they're pointless, so that I will feel good about having filled my day with activities. Possibly this can be cured by finding the value in sleep. What can I gain by sleeping, or what will I have accomplished by going to sleep?
1/9/11
1/9/11
Inherited Frustrations
Often I think that I've conquered my anger because I don't freak out at people anymore, and I can stay calm when I'm mad at people or a certain frustration. I've learned a lot of patience. What I haven't learned to control is the anger that hits me quickly for no reason. If I can think logically about why I'm angry I can stay calm and empathize with those around me. If I can't trace the root of my anger and I'm just pissed...things get out of control. I need to learn to be patient no matter what the root of my anger is.
1/8/11
1/8/11
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Peer Pressure
Okay...so I'm highly susceptible to peer pressure. It's never as bad or as big a deal as I think it is. BUT. Truth I learned from someone else: it's easier to be judgmental when you're on the outside looking in. The second it's you, you realize it's not what you thought it was. And possibly even not as bad. And even if it is that bad, you learn to identify with other people, see where they're coming from, and no longer condemn them for what they do.
TOTAL SIDE NOTE: Jesus knew people and understood them without condemning them, that means he was on the inside and not the outside looking in, therefore I'm betting he did a lot of things that modern Christians would think are "sketchy" today. Such as fueling the alcohol for a wild wedding party. Go Jesus.
1/7/11
TOTAL SIDE NOTE: Jesus knew people and understood them without condemning them, that means he was on the inside and not the outside looking in, therefore I'm betting he did a lot of things that modern Christians would think are "sketchy" today. Such as fueling the alcohol for a wild wedding party. Go Jesus.
1/7/11
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