The ability to dedicate your life to the pursuits of someone else’s is truly holy. It’s not very often that I forsake the concentrated goals and duties than encompass living as Toni and look at what someone else needs to help them achieve or just be happy. The day I needed to finish packing, load things into a car, and put things in storage was a blessing. I had friends helping me achieve what I needed to get done in my plot line on their breaks from work, in the midst of their duties as RA’s, when they had their own packing to get done, their own lives to lead, their own happiness to consider, and instead of focusing on their own pursuits they looked at my life and did work for it. It makes me wonder how self-absorbed I am. I feel as though it is my first duty to make sure my responsibilities and needs are met before moving onto others. Yet others have demonstrated a much different approach to their own lives by stepping out away from themselves to focus on me. Maybe my mindset is wrong. Maybe we’re not all individuals with our own plot lines running parallel but very much separate from everyone else’s. Maybe it’s more of a ripple effect and maybe we don’t have our own individual plots but are part of one collective plot line in which we all help each other toward one collective goal. At least three people demonstrated to me on this day what it means to love selflessly and graciously. I would love to strive toward that collective goal.
4/30/11
I find that I do not put myself first (all the time)... because I don't need to put myself first. Growing up, my family operated on the basis of what was needed for the family. I was given the duty of doing the dishes, because that's what needed to happen in order for the family to have clean dishes. My brother was given the task of mowing the lawn, because that was what needed to happen for the family. My mom was given the task of cooking most of our meals, because that was what needed to happen for the family. My sister was given the task of doing the laundry, because that was what was needed for the family. My dad (and sometimes mom) was given the task of stopping fights, because that what was needed for the family
ReplyDeleteThinking back, there wasn't a whole lot of tasks that I did for myself that were necessary. I had my hobbies and my toys, but they didn't affect other people, so they were put second if something needed to happen for the family. In this way, it was seldom that I had to make dinner for myself, or had to do laundry for myself, or had to confront my brother for my own well being... or anything of that nature.
So when times come that I see a friend in need of help, it's not that I feel obligated to help an individual. It's that I feel obligated to help "the machine", the whole of the community, because if tomorrow I need helping restringing my guitar, but my friend Michael isn't able to help me because his room was trashed after study night after study night occurring at his apartment... is it his fault? No... is it my fault? Well, not really... but in a way yes. Because I was most likely part of the "trashing" party.
Although helping someone pack is a very selfless thing to do at times. I myself would much rather help someone pack and ensure that more time could be spent saying final farewells, then not helping someone out and risk feeling unsatisfied with what could have been a fond farewell.
I am not a child of capitalism. I cannot justify looking out for number 1. Because I know it doesn't work. I've been there when my family all switched into "I'm number 1 mode", and watched as hell froze over in our household. And I can imagine a world where the broken, and undeserving weren't given a helping hand when circumstances outside their control broke loose, and I don't want that.
The hard part then comes when "looking out for number 1" seems like the only option. What do I do when the money comes short? What can I do when my family is in a rage, and all I want to do is leave? What do I do when there isn't enough time to do both what I want, and what needs to be done in order for someone else to have a good day? What do I do when my favorite TV show is on, and mom doesn't have enough hands to set the table? What do I do when a friend asks me to explain how I did problem number 5 for the fourth time, and I really want to go to bed because I was up late the night before after attending a concert in Portland.
I don't often choose to do what's right. And often when I do choose what is right, I do it in exuberantly grumpy way. But sometimes... every once in awhile. I don't have a choice. I Must help. And that, THAT is when the boundary between friends, family and the kingdom are torn.