Beauty of love as it was made to be.

"Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.

There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be"

Much Mumford & Sons was listened to obsessively on the road trip. Thank God we both adore them because I selfishly wanted to listen to them the whole time, and so did he. When we first listened through their CD, we talked about each songs lyrics after the song and what they meant to us. These lyrics struck me hard when they came on. In many ways I fear that love will betray, dismay, and enslave me, not just because of my imagination and philosophy, but also because of past experiences and failures. But Mumford talks a lot about truth, finds is quite important, and in this he speaks a lot of truth. Love makes you into who you were meant to be. My fear and wariness toward love permeates all of my relationships. This includes the way I approach God.

We drove all night, taking turns as we drove for one person to drive and one person to sleep, and so I drove all night and when on half a tank of gas I asked if we should refuel I was told we’d have enough to make it to the next town and not to worry, so we proceeded in a not so fuel efficient manner. We rolled into town on empty at midnight and went from gas station to gas station finally parking in one and turning off the car in defeat. All of the gas stations were closed, and none of them were self serve. Had our driving all night been for nothing now that we’d have to wait five hours till morning to fill up or tank to keep going? Full hotels and kind but ultimately unable to help people put us in a tough position. We knew that there was a self serve gas station maybe 12 miles down the road. We were told it was downhill the whole way as well. As we sat in the dark cold car at a closed gas station I said, "I'd like to say I have enough faith to pray that we could have enough gas to get to Nugget City, but I don't think I do." My partner in crime turned to me and said, "You know what, I think we're gonna make it. I have faith. Let's do it." We looked at each other uncertainly, but smiling, sent up a prayer and turned on the car. We started to coast down the hill, our head lights only illuminating a short way in front of us. We rejoiced as we put it into neutral...and then quickly swallowed our cheering as the ground evened out. The ground once again sloped down dramatically and singing hallelujah's we went down and down and down. And then we evened out again. And we drove and drove and drove. I waited doubtfully for the car to putter out on the side of a dark scary forest, and tried to make myself have the faith of a mustard seed while promising God I wouldn't feel betrayed or dismayed when we didn't make it: more to convince myself than anything else. But to my surprise a lone lit sign amidst the dark woods shone down on a single self serve pump in the middle of literally nowhere. We had made it, miraculously, and we filled up our car.

Mumford's lyrics speak truth to me. Especially when it comes to God's love. I try to believe that he loves me because the Bible says so, and in my understanding of the way God loves us and how he is toward us, I understand that miracles exist and that he does in fact work in our lives. But I've felt betrayed and dismayed by God before; I've felt like he just hasn't done anything in a situation where a miracle could have occurred, and in thinking he loves me, I feel that the outcome of his love is betrayal and dismay. But that's not true. There's a calling here in these lyrics to be more like the man you were meant to be: a calling to not look at love as something that betrays and dismays, but as fullfilling in what it really is in all of it's beauty. I feel like God's love will let me down, but there's a bigger truth about what love really is and how it is the opposite of dismaying, betraying, and enslaving. When we have the faith of a mustard seed and simply leap, we gain freedom. Freedom in doing anything imaginable because of God's power. Because he's got our backs. Because he loves.

5/3/11