Keep moving forward.

I'm back in my hometown. Back to my houses, my families, my dogs, my friends, my traditions, my workplace. There are many things about it that feel marvelous. Family and tradition slide gracefully into place, the greenhouse is in full bloom, and I laid down in my bed that first night and a horrible feeling crept over me. Where I expected to find comfort and relief from all the stresses that had been consuming my life for so long, where I expected to find a feeling of belonging, I found a feeling of stagnation. Everything else felt right, but the feeling of being back home in my childhood bed brought forth the idea that I'd been here before many many times, and I was ready for something new. The feeling that who I am now is not who I was before, and who I am now is not the child that came home to mother's house to eat her food and carelessly sleep under her roof, but a woman ready to live an independent life that she simply needs to go out and take hold of. I paved a way for who I am, and it's becoming time for me to pave a way for how my life is going to be lived. I'm trying to live in the past, and it's stale. I'm trying to hold still, and it's like wasting away in a museum. I know that I know that I know: I need to keep moving forward.

5/5/11