MY THOUGHTS ARE THE PINNACLE OF IMPORTANCE

Dear Babe,

Fuck Toni, what are you doing? You're constantly distracted. Distracted by your thoughts. You sit down to do your homework and you think. And you think and you think until hours have passed in your day and you haven't done anything because you're so consumed. You've been pulling out a journal to write down your thoughts during those times. To write them down, put them away, and move on. It's been helpful, but you know you've been horrified by what you've found and you know you're afraid of yourself. You are consumed by what you think about, and just like how you were consumed by your emotions until they were all you wrote about, right now you're consumed by your thoughts and they are all you write about. You are not being honest. You write your blogs and you allude to things and you are as vague as you can possibly be so that you'll know what you're talking about and be able to look back and remember, but no one else will. Why did you do this? To be HONEST. Here's a fact: a quarter of your posts are about your ex-boyfriend. This is about observing who you are, and it's about looking outward. The mission of this project has changed a bit, but is essentially still the same. Stop alluding. Stop being vague. Stop making this your quasi diary. Be blunt. Stop being consumed by your thoughts and stop blogging about them. You're obsessed. There are more important things in life than your emotions, thoughts, and your ex. I love you. Now change.

Remember this? Revised:



There are lessons that you learn every day. There are new things that you realize and new experiences that you have every day. Every day is new. Every day is different. To compile those lessons and build one upon the other over time will help you not only learn about yourself but also help you become more wise and lead you to transform into who you want to be. By reflecting on the lessons that you learn and applying them practically to your own interactions with people and yourself, you will change. Reflect on what you see, hear, feel, taste and smell. Reflect on actions and what they mean. Reflect on your world. You will not change if you only look at yourself. If you think that all that matters are your experiences and your thoughts, you won't advance. You'll stay stuck as the same self absorbed person you are in this moment. Stop thinking that staring in the mirror is going to change you: because it won't. You'll waste away as you stay fascinated, fixated and obsessed with yourself. Look at other people. Look at the world. Let those things affect you and matter to you and then you'll change. Stop blogging about your thoughts: all that you can learn from them is that you hold them to be the most important part of your experiences every day. That's selfish and disgusting.

I know you: the pursuit of truth is what drives your life. You won't find any truth in your these thoughts. I promise. There is no Truth in these. Change in yourself, transformation into a better person, is important but it's not the point. It's not just about discovering who you are and growing as a person. There is a big picture: pursue the big picture and chase after wisdom, truth, and love. You cannot produce fruit on your own: it's only by holding onto the vine that you will produce good fruit. And that'll happen when you're not even thinking about it. So stop looking inward and look outward.

And remember:



So here's my first post. I'm creating this blog on a whim. I've been wanting to do a sort of creative, "self portrait a day" style thing, but haven't ever worked up the umph to actually do it. It's that and I've always wanted to be able to be honest about myself: completely honest with anyone who asks me or wants to know. It's the people who have been completely honest with me about who they are and revealed themselves down to their dirtiest core being, disregarding their shame, that have taught me most about life and brought me the greatest understanding of mercy. I'd go as far as to say that if we really were honestly following the messiah, we would never hold back anything about who we are to others: we don't own our shame. It's not ours to withold: we have no right to be prideful and part of our mission is to display Christ. I think to do that we have to say who we are.

I think I'm getting ahead of myself.

This isn't a diary. It's not necessarily to document the events of my life, but to document an impression of where I've been and who I am. Not a history but hopefully a painting, an idea, a feeling, of me. It's to teach myself how to be honest and observe who I am.

You haven't failed so don't be discouraged. I know you wrote all that last night, and looking back I can honestly tell you, you are giving an impression of yourself. You have been showing who you are though this. You hate this post. It's emotional and about a subject that this whole post is based off of not talking about anymore. You can post whatever you want: even about your emotions and thoughts. But once you have, move on. Do not obsess over one thing for days and days. Now hit publish because as much as you loathe it's existence, this post has to stay because you have to remember the things you hate.

Love,
Baby

3/27/11