When I observe the changes I need to make in my life so that I can be happy and get good grades, I end up with a list 10 feet long. I should go to sleep by 11pm and get up consistently at 7:40am every day. I should be exercising 3 times a week. When I study I need to be taking periodic brakes so I don't get burned out. I need to go somewhere like the library when I study so that I won't get distracted. I need to not just be waiting to study until I have a large block of time, but be studying every subject consistently ever day for short periods of time. I should not be watching TV or be on the computer after 10:30pm because those things stimulate the brain and make it harder to fall asleep. I should be at home by 10:30pm to be winding down to go to sleep. The list goes on and on.
In the perfect world, I would be able to do all of those things. But I am not in the perfect world, and I am not the perfect person: both because of my circumstances and my physiology. Sometimes I have too much work to go to sleep by 11pm. Sometimes I can't force myself awake at 7:40am. Sometimes I need my computer to do my homework before I go to sleep. Sometimes I can't stay at my house to study because it's too loud, sometimes I can't be at the library because it's too quiet. And in the end it's not about me. Sometimes I need to be there for other people and their needs are more important than mine. Sometimes I get so unhappy that I can't function and homework and studying are not options anymore. My mind does not operate correctly all of the time and I get distracted too easily to ever get anything done. Someone once told me, "there is something wrong with you" and it was the most loving and comforting thing I could have heard at a time when I thought that I was just lazy and unmotivated and everyone felt the way that I did.
Sometimes expectations that seem realistic and perfect for problem solving turn out to be very unrealistic in an unrealistic world. Sometimes it's not an option to fix all the dysfunction. Sometimes we need to learn to just get by in a dysfunctional world with a dysfunctional self and hope and pray it's enough.
3/15/11
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