Crying

Last year I was worried there was something wrong with me: I went months and months and months without crying. I wouldn't even cry in front of my best friend.

Before I left for school that year, the night before, a group of my friends came over to my house and my little sister and I spent time with them. They said their goodbyes to me and left. I had emptied my closest out and had piles of clothes on my bed: ancient clothes to give away and ancient clothes I never want to give away. I went to the bathroom and I came out and my sister wasn't there. I walked through the house and looked into my room and there she was sitting on my bed in the midst of all of my clothes, crying. I walked to her and we both cried and she hugged me. I don't cry in front of people. I don't hug people while crying. There's something honest and vulnerable about that that makes we want to slink away and hide. But she hugged me and I hugged her and we cried together and something inside of me was forced to give a bit that day. Then I went to school and refused to cry again.

It's inevitable that when you only have one room to live in, and you only share it with one person, they're going to see the worst and craziest of you. I can't tell you how many times my roommate came home that year, and has come home this year even more times, to find me bawling, or has been in our room when I've both slunk in quietly or burst in in a flurry of tears. All of those times she's listened to my long explanations, often times the same rant over and over, and she's given her wise advice, and she's put her calm hands on my knees, and she's prayed for me. She forced me to give as well as I learned that I could trust and that it's okay to show your weaknesses and be healed.

The day I gave up on my best friend and we cried together, all of my pride and walls I'd put up were forced to melt away. This portion of my life has been one of the most difficult of my life, and I've discovered that when you can't help but cry, you end up not being able to help cry in front of people. I've learned an honesty in this practice. It may be showing a vulnerability and a weakness, but honestly, I am vulnerable and I am weak. I've learned that there's nothing wrong with that and my best friend is still able to look me in the eyes and tell me that my showing my weakness is not a weakness, it's not a personality flaw, it's me. And there's nothing wrong with me.

Sometimes I have to be appreciative of the hardest times in my life, because they've forced me to change. I didn't change myself: those who have seen the core of me and shown me love have made me honest.

2/25/11