Tenacity

At the very least, it wasn't raining today. In Oregon that's the equivalent of having a sunshine and sidewalk chalk day. It wasn't fabulous and bright, but the wind felt right, and as I said, it wasn't raining. The air felt refreshing and the summer was wisping into town on it, so I made up my mind to manhandle my bike out of my room and go for a joy ride. 10 minute max. No water, no fancy shmansy gloves or clip ins, just me with my old volleyball shoes and rolled up jeans. I don't normally get on my road bike without all the accessories, but today I threw on my helmet alone, as is the tradition of the young child running down the driveway dragging their Schwinn in tow, and hopped on feeling casual and free. 10 minutes: away!

I crossed through the stop and go of neighborhoods and out onto a busier road, I followed it to the edge of town then rode its edge up to somewhere. By fields, and cows, by make believe cottages and places I didn't know still survived so near to my existence. I smelled the lilacs in my grandmothers backyard and felt the open old freedom of Rhode Island road trips. In my jeans, high school shoes and helmet I kept going and going and going and going. I couldn't turn back. Not until it started to rain on me and the wind picked up.

I hobbled to the gym today, sore from my first run since God only knows how long a couple days before; coerced to go again by a loyal friend. I figured 1 mile would be healthy, but once I got going, the speed went up and I demanded 2 of myself.

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I live my life like this. I say, "yah don't worry I'll take it easy" and then I give myself 18 credit semesters. I claim, "I'm only going to go for a short ride" then I'm gone for 3 hours. "I'm going to make sure I take care of myself and make healthy choices for me," I state, then I throw myself into life headlong with wreckless abandonment; war cry and boiling blood to their maximum strength.

It's not because I'm competitive with others, but that I'm competitive with myself. I love the challenge. I love to pour 100% of myself into the passion of the effort and the pain of the accomplishment. I love to work hard. I love to give every last ounce of myself to the challenge, and I revel in the pain and perseverance of the moment. I do this both mentally and physically. Yet mentally I'm learning that my perseverance putters out and my willpower crumbles under extreme forces when I am overwhelmed. Physically I would sooner collapse and stop breathing than not push myself to breaking and then keep going: it's when I get overwhelmed that I thrive.

I am the type of person who loves to commit themselves to immense challenges, and it is not the success and accomplishment of reaching a goal that makes it so fulfilling, but the continual spending of ones self with a steal will and the knowledge that you are the definition of perseverance and determination that makes the pain sadistically satisfying. I cannot go on a one mile run and I cannot go on a ten minute bike ride because I love too much to push and sweat, persevere and work hard, and to give every last ounce of myself to the freedom of never ending tenacity.

3/30/11