I went to a coffee shop with a friend to work on our molecular biology lab reports. We started talking, and we never got around to writing them. I said, "We are made to be in community with other people. At the same time, we shouldn't rely on other people for happiness or to get by: we need to be self-sustaining and independent. How do I balance being independent, but also relying on people in my community? And how do I take care of myself but also help other people in my community at the same time?" The following are the notes I hurriedly typed into my "Background/Basic Research" portion of my lab report as we debated, discussed, made break throughs and agreed. I barely changed them at all: simple grammar changes and pronoun (i think) changes. Most of this is straight from what he said, and anything that sounds wrong is more than likely the few sentences in here that come from me. I thought that I would rewrite this to make a cohesive and thoughtful post, but I like this more.
"There’s a line between supporting and being support when someone doesn’t know how to do it on their own. Sometimes you have to semi-abandon people: push them out of the nest and let them fall. Put them in the deep and let them drown for a bit. You can lift, but you can’t hold someone up. You can be there to help them de-stress: but in groups. If you lean solely on other people for support you will loose your connection with God because you’ve broken that off. If you love someone than you don’t want to teach them unhealthy love and unhealthy relationships. There is no lesser of two evils: the “lesser of two evils” is just plain and simple not right. It’s not about individuality: you can’t be self sustaining or completely rely on someone else. You need to define what a healthy relationship is and not rely on them like a wife or husband. You can show unconditional love but not unconditional sacrifice. Unconditional acceptance and forgiveness, but not sacrifice. Sacrifice is not always love if it’s going to hurt them or keep them from functioning o their own. You need to see what sacrifices you’re accepting from other people and not become selfish. If your love cause someone to become selfish and overly dependent, that’s not love. The sacrifice can be either giving or pulling away, and if you have to pull away and it’s painful, that pain is your sacrifice in love. Showing a junkie love is not giving them more heroine. "
"Heavy In Your Arms" by Florence and the Machine
I have been heavy in people's arms before. I have had people by heavy in mine. I'm starting to think it's okay to not be 100% self-sustaining, but to derive some happiness from your friends and the people around you. As it relates to this, I'm starting to think that yes, I could live my whole life single and be okay with that, but I don't think I want to, and I think it is okay to rely on someone to a certain degree. The question is not: how can I be happy solely on my own? The question is: what does a healthy relationship look like? I hate hurting because the people that make me happy are gone or fail me: I think this may just be something I need to deal with instead of running away from people. It's because I've been so heavy in someone's arms that I believe my happiness should not be derived from other people, because it's not healthy for them or myself. I've swung to the opposite, and still unhealthy extreme.
What does a healthy relationship look like?
3/17/11
We can...... try to have a healthy relationship, but we can't.
ReplyDeleteWe try to emulate the perfect love of God when we try to make relationships work right. When we don't, it's simply because we just don't understand relationships like He does. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't stop trying.