I'm learning that there are many stages of grief, pain, sadness, loss, and simply learning to be happy. They don't always occur in order, and sometimes I jump from one to another, go backwards then forwards then backwards again. I'm learning that becoming happy is much like riding my bike. This last summer I had to get in shape to do a 120 mile ride in two days. At the beginning of the summer I was doing 10 miles and hurting and straining muscles in my chest and neck just to breath going up hills. By the end of the summer I was easily doing 60 miles and I couldn't find enough hills to pose a challenge to myself. Having been at school for the last four months I'm back to the 10 mile basics and it's taught me that we all go back to the basics without upkeep. I learn to deal with my problems and my boredom and when it becomes easy I slack off and have to learn the same things all over again. I find that this is true with everything: just because I've reached a certain standard in the past doesn't mean I'm still there now. That's why I'm writing it all down now: to remember. So here is one stage of learning to be happy...for me it encompasses that first realization that you're gonna be just fine:
I know I'm stable and okay when I can sing a sad song that is essentially about me as well as sit at home alone and still be content and retain the ability to smile.
The song is "You Were Meant For Me" by Jewel and some parts apply and some parts don't but the general feeling is definitely something I can identify with, and I sang along to it on the radio as it played a couple days ago and realized the above truth. If I could make the video disappear so you could just have the audio...I would.
1/2/11
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