I have a tendency to develop personas for my different moods or tendencies. When I need to gain control I'm the business woman in full attire. When my faults are entirely apparent to me I'm the Jezebel. When I feel completely out of place in my generation I'm the old woman in a large sweater. Different situations make me feel strongly that I am or need to be a certain way, and some of my friends know this, and we even had a name for the business woman that I thank God I can't remember. It scared me the other day that I said to myself, "I feel like Jezebel is taking over." I stopped myself and decided never to choose names again, and never to let myself feel like I am completely one of those persona's in a moment. Because it makes me feel like a crazy person. I fear that if I give them names, and outfits, and personalities, and allow myself to give into each one separately and completely they really will become real. I watched part of a documentary not long ago about a woman with 13 different personalities with names and faces that she switches between. The more I try to cope with the different situations life throws my way, the more strongly I feel that each persona needs to come out at different times, and I have to remind myself that each one's name is Toni. Each one is me. Lately I've found myself, in the midst of conflict, completely shutting down and desensitizing myself toward certain people and situations. Completely zoning out and forgetting to even pay attention to the world around me. With the consistency that it's been happening the last three days, I've felt myself giving that response a unique acknowledgment and because the personality switch is so massively separate than what my personality would inherently call for in those conflicting situations, I feel like that's not even me, that that's some other persona. I have to remind myself what I look like, what I'm wearing, that I am me, that I am Toni no matter what I do. I feel like I'm sick. Like I'm coming down with the flu. I think I'm far from crazy, but closer than I thought.
8/6/11
It sounds to me that sometimes, you don't know who you are, so you claim to be everyone and anyone. The truth is, you can lose yourself in that mind frame, and Toni, you are a beautiful, thriving young woman. You are Toni Snyder, not all these persona. All of those handlings of emotion and life, they're you, and just how you deal with them. I love your pictures and analogies, but at the core, I see you and just you. And I want you to see that too. It's like God; he is Jesus, he is Father, and he is Holy Spirit. But he is one.
ReplyDeleteLike that, you are one. Not many.