Hesitation

I was biking down the coastal trail when I heard a twig snap behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and I could tell there was another biker behind me but no details about them. They didn't pass me, but remained drafting behind me for 2 miles, then 5 miles, then 10 miles, and I couldn't ebb my curiosity. People either fly by me on their road bikes all decked out in gear, or I fly by other people that are leisurely riding their mountain bikes. I wondered if it was some old goofy man on his road bike plugging away to keep up, a woman whose pace matched mine, and as people passed me and saw me with this other person I wondered if they thought I was purposefully riding with them and what they were thinking of us. Knowing that I only had 20 miles to cover I was at a dead sprint the whole time, and even the hills I could hear the mystery rider behind me's gears switching, and falling behind a little, but always catching up. It was nice not to ride alone for once and have someone riding at my pace. As we approached the lagoon I slowed down to wipe the dust from my eyes and the person rode up next to me. It was a young man in plaid shorts, big hiking boots, a muddy bike and messy hair. He said it was nice riding with me and I said it was nice not riding alone. He said something else but I missed it and he rode up infront of me. My cousins took this opportune moment to be heading down the trail toward me so I stopped and talked to them and when I got back on my bike I prayed I'd catch him again: I could use a riding buddy right? I got to the lagoon, there were people everywhere, and just as I looked up I saw him sitting on a bench by the water. He smiled at me, and I smiled at him, and we were thinking the same thing, and I kept riding. I mentally kicked myself the whole way to my mothers as the lyrics, "don't be fallin' in love as she's walking away" repeated themselves over and over in my head. It was a perfect set up and I let a golden opportunity slip away from me. I let opportunities slip away all the time because I hesitate and I fear: I never allow myself to be honest in my actions. If I was honest about who I am and what I was thinking, feeling, and wanted to do, my life would be much different. What did I take away from this experience? There is another way that I've been holding back from honesty and it's through my actions. If I'm going to learn to be honest I'm going to have to start doing what I want without weighing the pros and cons and worrying about what other people will think of me.

6/26/11