Individuality

I went and saw the last Harry Potter movie, and was really proud of the way they portrayed the romance between Harry and Ginny. The most interaction they have in the whole movie is when they kiss and Ginny says, "I know," and they run separate directions in the middle of the battle. It's become incredibly apparent to me that maintaining a firm sense of individuality in a relationship is paramount. I have a high sense of respect for those characters because their focus is not on simply living for one another. As Stephen King said, "Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend."

7/21/11

Extras

I am constantly thinking of all of the things I need to take care of before going back to school, but I never feel like I have time to do any of them. It wasn't until I was laying in a tent miles from town that I finally felt like I had time to accomplish things. It’s not until all the extras of life are taken away that you feel like you have time to relax and accomplish things at a leisurely pace.

7/20/11

Thought Of You

Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.

I am learning that when you walk away from a problem, you don't magically wake up one day and find it fixed and everything changed. Conflict lays stagnant where you left it because time does not heal wounds. It just makes you forget they exist.

7/18/11

What will you die without?

Normally when I pack to go on vacation I start to worry I’ve forgotten something crucial, and develop the sudden urge to grab all the extra odds and ends I can find. I then ask myself this question: what will you die without? It’s in that moment that my muscles relax and my heart rate slows because as the scenarios run through my head I realize that if I forget my tooth brush, I’ll have bad breath till I buy a new one, if I forget extra clothes I at least have the ones on my back , I can buy food, I can go indoors if I’m too cold. As long as I have my wallet with my ID and money, my debit card and a cell phone (which even that I would survive without) I’m going to make it. Even with nothing there are people and buildings everywhere! Someone will help me. But today was a different story. As I packed my backpack with what I needed for a one night stay in the Alaska wilderness I began to wonder if I was forgetting anything; I asked myself the question: what will I die without? Suddenly this question became much more serious. I had to make sure I had warm enough clothing, the right shoes, enough food to eat, good enough shelter and sleeping bag, and the right survival supplies, because if I didn’t pack them, no amount of cash in my wallet would count for anything. Living in the city, or at least within civilization where people and climate control have got your back makes life so much safer and tamer. Your focus in life is so much different. But in the wild, even when you’re sweating and hiking up a mountain, there’s an amount of detox and relaxation taking place. Life is no longer about pleasure and hobbies—or whatever fills our actions and time. It’s about feeling the temperature and predicting the weather. It’s about taking every decision seriously, never being lazy not worrying about what looks good, working hard and never taking the easy way out. It’s freeing, it’s simpler, and much more meaningful. There are no distractions from what’s important—your existence is focused around what’s important: survival and living on the earth as it was meant to be.

7/17/11

Photograph by Kellen Stock

Pavlof's Dog

Our parents condition us to be a certain way and it’s less that we take after their bad habits, but more that we develop survival techniques to them that can be very dysfunctional and unhealthy and that a lot of the time is the problem. Our personality defects often stem from poor or dysfunctional survival techniques we’ve developed in response to our parents. Do I sound like a self help book yet? But I think it's true. I and many of my friends are at the point where we're becoming our own people and the faults I observe in my friends are rarely those of their parents, because they see what they hate in their parents and work to be different, but their response to the faults of their parents that become their own problems to overcome and the problems their children will work to change in themselves. It's a small scale example of generational leadership.

7/16/11

Following The Leader

Driving down the road at night, the lanes before me were empty. The light turned red and I stopped and looked at the beams from the streetlamps glistening down. I sang along to the radio, I slumped onto my steering wheel and I checked my phone. All in good time. Me and one other loner lazily accelerated as the light turned green, no hurry in the solitude. I glanced at my rear view mirror and my eyes widened in shock: headlights behind me as far as I could see. Suddenly all eyes were on me and I was setting the pace. It got me to thinking. Sometimes you think you're blazing a trail alone: that you're taking the path less traveled. Sometimes you don’t realize that you're leading the way for hundreds of others. That as you step forward into the unknown to do things never done before you are paving the way for many who have been waiting for someone to follow-- who needed someone to take the first step. When you feel alone in the path you're making for yourself, realize that your individuality gives others the courage to be an individual as well. Some people don’t know what they can do till someone else does it first. Some people are, many people are, capable but need someone to go the way first and to find confirmation in that bravery. Don’t be afraid to step out in faith alone. You’re not really alone because many will follow. Bravery alone only seems that way at first. Many are following.

7/14/11

'Whoa'

“Never say ‘whoa’ in a horse race” –Jim Dahl

I was reading about this man in an obituary in the newspaper, and about how his life was full of adventure and accomplishment. They said that he lived his life by that phrase, "Never say 'whoa in a horse race," and I struggled with fully grasping what that means. I think to me the horse race is life and the decisions we make therein. At this point, opportunities are laid out in front of me and I can take any path I want, say yes to any option, gamble on any uncertainty, and the only thing that is going to hold me back is fear. Fear is what constantly causes me to hesitate, start thinking of all the possibilities, and put the breaks on the adventures and opportunities in life. I don't know if all of life is a horse race, but my life right now is, and I think I'm going to take Jim's advice and stop saying 'whoa' in the face of all the adventure, success, and happenstances that take courage to take hold of. Instead I need to take a leap of faith, grasp the reigns tight, and ride it out in full force till the end. No use short changing myself in the midst of one of the most future molding times of my life.

7/13/11

Generational Learning

There’s a cycle that happens as the human race interacts: we are constantly teaching each other within it. As we grow in maturity, we encounter people with habits and personalities we don’t want to emulate and we see what we don’t like, who we don’t want to be, sometimes who we are, and change to be who we want to be in response. I have learned from an acquaintance to never react in anger and to listen respectfully when people give advice. I know that I let my emotions dictate how I act toward people, and sometimes I react with passion in anger to others. I see that reaction in my acquaintance and it’s appalling to me. I recognize that what they do is familiar to me and by observing them from the outside I learn who I don’t want to be, what is best, and why. It’s a cycle of observing others and learning from their mistakes (which often are already ours). We see ourselves in others, can observe the effects of our reactions from afar and therefore be who we want to be. We learn from those around us.

7/12/11

True Love Waits

There has been an influx of young marriages as of late. Tis the season I suppose, much like it was around this time last year. It gets me to thinking that true love doesn’t just wait to have sex. True love waits to get married. Young people feel the need to have meaningful lasting romantic relationships, they believe that fairy tales are what they need to look forward to in life, so meeting prince charming and getting married is what it’s all about. I would hate to stereotype all the young marriages I know of because God knows it is far beyond me to judge the hearts, minds, and maturity of those people: I haven't been good enough friends with any of them to come near to having that right. I frequently find myself on both sides: both pointing out the flaws and defending the decisions of the young and in love. I project what I've felt onto those young couples though, and it makes me wary. But still I think to myself that I would much rather have the man that's perfectly suited to be my partner have slept with someone that he truly cared about before finding me, than marry someone else quickly out of hasty passion and bind themself to someone else. True love waits for their puzzle piece match out of respect for their other half. That's what I remind myself as I make decisions and go through the stages of my life as patiently as I can.

7/7/11

Peanut Butter and Jelly

Do what you love. Love what you do.


7/6/11

Beauty

Every day is a good day, (because) every moment is a good moment, (because) every moment has beauty. Beauty makes every moment good. Beauty is not just in the matching colors and attractive figures; it’s in large unique noses, boisterous curves, conglomerations of objects and colors and there is an appreciation for the color and geometric balance of any site you see that translates to beauty. I was driving to Seward and a friend was surprised that I could find so much joy in the mountains and wide open spaces as well as the overcrowded factoried cities--I see a beauty in both that stems from an appreciation of the existence of shape, form, color, texture and all other things we see. Everything is beautiful and therefore every moment you look around can share equal parts of beauty and appreciation.

7/4/11

Want To

7/1/11

Hippie

I have wanted nothing more than to escape into the green green mountains these last few weeks. It started out as a small desire to go hiking, but has grown into the desire to disappear into the valleys and forests and wild beauty of Alaska. It's affected every area of my life: my happiness and my work because I'm not happy if I'm not feeling the wind, and I'm distracted by the thought of wide open spaces when I'm inside walls at work. We drove to Seward and all I could do was stare at the adventure out the windows: I felt like a dog with its head out the window and its tongue hanging out. I told my friend, I want to lay in the grass and wrap my fingers in it, I want to rub the earth on my face, I want to sink into the mud, eat the earth, seep into the trees, rush away on the wind. I want to feel light bug legs brush my skin and smell life. I want to wander and wander with only the discovery of beauty as my goal. She looked at me, burst out laughing and told me that I am a hippie. I don't feel like a hippie. I feel a call to something that is just as alive as me: not wooden walls and woven carpets, to metal cars and flashing colors. I feel as though I'm missing a part of myself: an appendage or a long lost cousin. I feel as though all I need to do is get into the forests and the valleys and I'll simply melt into the scenery. Of course I sound like a fruit cake, but there's something wrong with me here that only the color green can explain. There's a beauty that I'm only finding outside the city limits that seems to be the only cure for a restless soul. That's really what it is: it's a beauty in sight, taste, touch, smell, and hearing. It's a full beauty that's made of the same stuff as me and it's telling me to come home.



6/30/11

Accountability

(Princess Irene ran from her room out into the woods for fear of the monster that came through her window. She followed her grandmother's light back to her house and up to her room. Upon embracing her grandmother she gets her dress dirty, but she pulls a rose shaped coal out of the fire and upon holding it to her dress it makes her clean. This book was written by a priest in the 1800's and his symbolism is subtle but recognizable. How revolutionary is it that the grandmother represents God and that a Catholic priest drew this comparison in the 1800's without losing his honor?)

"Won't you hold it to my frock and my hands and my face? And I'm afraid my feet and my knees want it too."

"No," answered her grandmother, smiling a little sadly as she threw the rose from her, "it's too hot for you yet. It would set your frock in a flame. Besides, I don't want to make you clean tonight. I want your nurse and the rest of the people to see you as you are, for you will have to tell them how you ran away for fear of the long-legged cat. I should like to wash you, but they would not believe you then."

The Princess and the Goblin pg. 97

Accountability plays a large role in the process of sanctification. It's hard to be honest with people and go to them with all of the grime and shame of your sin, but I think that that is what God pushes us to do. Not only because it forces us to own up to who we are and what we've done so that we can face ourselves and others in order to change, but also so that we can be affected by our past experiences and learn more about life and God from them. God is not an easy button that we push and everything suddenly becomes okay: He allows the dirt from our experiences to coat us so that we can then be molded into who we are supposed to be.

6/29/11

Outcast

9 As Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, “Follow me.” And he rose and followed him.10 And as Jesus reclined at table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were reclining with Jesus and his disciples. 11 And when the Pharisees saw this, they said to his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” 12 But when he heard it, he said, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. 13 Go and learn what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”

-Matthew 9:9-13

I sat next to a woman whose current profession is stripping, and we had a long conversation about the business and the people in it. My view was, and what I feel confident saying is the view of most of my self proclaimed christian friends, that strippers are completely slutty, gross, uneducated women with no moral substance and that the men that that go to see them are sex obsessed male chauvinist pigs who are controlling and also more than likely gross. Yes, this is an extreme and many people I know would deny that this is what they think, but from the way most people who claim to follow Christ joke about the people involved in this or talk about how disgusted they are by them, I find no mercy and no empathy whatsoever. But what I experienced was enlightening. Here was a beautiful woman with no makeup, an undergrad degree working toward her doctorate, in a serious committed relationship, and volunteering to help some of the most needy people in America, who earns her money to live by stripping. She spoke of many of the women in the industry as being well educated and talented. Many of the men as being bored or lonely. She described the clubs as being very feminist and respectful toward women, and not at all as though they are all sex selling brothels. I identified with this woman, we laughed together, and I listened and listened and when I got home was devastatingly sad because I knew that if I told many of my friends about her, they would judge her and stereotype her, when all I wanted to do was spend more time listening and laughing and working through life with her as an equal. If I were to spend all my time with those on what is no longer the outskirts of society necessarily, but those on the outskirts of the christian society, I would be frowned upon: I have been frowned upon. This is sad to me because in this way, I want to be like Jesus.

6/28/11

Spontaneity

I changed my facebook status at 10:40pm. I checked flights at 10:49pm. I made the decision to leave at 11:13pm. I was at the airport at 11:45pm. I was on the plane at 12:20am. I took flight at 12:55am. I landed in Portland at 5:30am.

I fly for free, and I've always thought about just taking off and catching a flight last minute, and I've looked into it before, but it's never worked out. Either by fear, full flights, or the predicament of not having anywhere to stay, I've never spontaneously taken off. But I was in the right place at the right time in life to throw caution to the wind, and a good friend had a fierce and selfless enough sense of adventure to catch me when I jumped, and coffee and breakfast in a bakery, random driving, vintage shopping, and talking and talking and talking was exactly what we both needed that day. It was laid back and beautiful and to have and to be a listening nonjudgmental ear was healing.

Yet there's something about spontaneity that takes learning. Here's an excerpt from my journal that I wrote while sitting outside baggage claim waiting to be picked up in Portland: "It's a learning experience to be spontaneous. You leave home for an adventure and you start to think of all the other things you could have done instead: wake up late in your comfortable bed to the morning sun, went to an old mountain climbers talk at the museum, hung out with a friend who was finally free, gotten the IM test done for your car. And then you have to kick yourself and remember that you're going to OREGON to see some of the best friends you have right now and that that's beautiful. Sitting outside waiting for a friend now, it's 5:30, almost 6 now and it's warm. It smells like Hawaii and the voice that routinely comes over the speakers sounds like a Disneyland safety announcement. I feel very much at home and at peace. It doesn't feel early: though I barely got any "good" sleep on the plane. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling free. I'm feeling like I can find the value in every moment and experience which is what I need right now."

It takes a force of will to let go and take in the here and now. It's a process. If I can learn to not put so much stock in planning and having things go the way I expect, and if I can learn to embrace the moment, my life will be much more like the adventure I want it to be.

6/27/11

Hesitation

I was biking down the coastal trail when I heard a twig snap behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and I could tell there was another biker behind me but no details about them. They didn't pass me, but remained drafting behind me for 2 miles, then 5 miles, then 10 miles, and I couldn't ebb my curiosity. People either fly by me on their road bikes all decked out in gear, or I fly by other people that are leisurely riding their mountain bikes. I wondered if it was some old goofy man on his road bike plugging away to keep up, a woman whose pace matched mine, and as people passed me and saw me with this other person I wondered if they thought I was purposefully riding with them and what they were thinking of us. Knowing that I only had 20 miles to cover I was at a dead sprint the whole time, and even the hills I could hear the mystery rider behind me's gears switching, and falling behind a little, but always catching up. It was nice not to ride alone for once and have someone riding at my pace. As we approached the lagoon I slowed down to wipe the dust from my eyes and the person rode up next to me. It was a young man in plaid shorts, big hiking boots, a muddy bike and messy hair. He said it was nice riding with me and I said it was nice not riding alone. He said something else but I missed it and he rode up infront of me. My cousins took this opportune moment to be heading down the trail toward me so I stopped and talked to them and when I got back on my bike I prayed I'd catch him again: I could use a riding buddy right? I got to the lagoon, there were people everywhere, and just as I looked up I saw him sitting on a bench by the water. He smiled at me, and I smiled at him, and we were thinking the same thing, and I kept riding. I mentally kicked myself the whole way to my mothers as the lyrics, "don't be fallin' in love as she's walking away" repeated themselves over and over in my head. It was a perfect set up and I let a golden opportunity slip away from me. I let opportunities slip away all the time because I hesitate and I fear: I never allow myself to be honest in my actions. If I was honest about who I am and what I was thinking, feeling, and wanted to do, my life would be much different. What did I take away from this experience? There is another way that I've been holding back from honesty and it's through my actions. If I'm going to learn to be honest I'm going to have to start doing what I want without weighing the pros and cons and worrying about what other people will think of me.

6/26/11

Summer Music

6/25/11