I know that I know that I know.

Koby Miller spoke during chapel about how we keep ourselves in places that aren't good for us and sometimes we need to go and leave what makes us comfortable and what we know for something new. The beginning and the end resonated with my soul.

[Video in the process of being uploaded]

I'm the type of person that doesn't like to move: I like to stay put for long periods of time. And it's mostly because of people. I put down roots and tearing myself free is not an experience I've ever willingly put myself through. But for the first time in my life I know that I know that I know that I have to go. And for the first time I think I'm okay with that.

2/23/11

Sense of Accomplishment

The lifestyle and constraints that I've placed myself in by being at school require me to move at a pace that I was never meant for. A pace that I'm not sure anyone was meant for. Maybe a select few. It doesn't matter how many chapters I study a night, for however many classes, it doesn't matter how many assignments I finish, when I look at how much I've accomplished in a day in a certain amount of time, it's never enough. My speed for learning, my pace for living, is not "up to par" for what it takes to be here. My initial instinct is to feel inadequate: if I could pull myself together enough I could do what it takes. I just need to get motivated.

This is a lie.

I am me. The pace at which I read is okay. The amount of information I can learn in an hour is acceptable. Sitting still is not slothfulness. The rate at which I wish to live my life and make accomplishments is not a rate that should be factored into a race: eternity is not a race. When I live in the present I live in eternity, and the pace at which I live in eternity cannot be measured as right or wrong: it is simply mine.

I am not lazy, unmotivated, or slow. I am me. I will not define me by the standards set by an inorganic institution.

Note to self: if you fail by their standards it's not because you're a failure. Live in your eternity, and you will succeed as you were meant to succeed. You are not a life in vain: you have your own mission and have been duly sent. Don't let them etch you because everyone else does: etch yourself.

2/22/11

Laughter

People have told me that my laugh is uninhibited: that it's very sincere and just bursts out. This sounds good in theory, but I tend to be the kind of person that laughs louder and longer than others as well. When you're done laughing and there's still that one person who can't stop, or when someone tells a joke and one person thinks it's hilarious and bursts out laughing: that's me. My laughter has plauged my life with awkwardness, but at the same time, I am discovering that it's also a blessing to a select few. Those people that no one thinks are funny: I think they're funny and I hope that my awkward laughter brings them some semblance of confidence and self worth. I hope that my breaking of the norm gives others the notion that they can be free to react honestly and sillilly. Some people feel that their reactions have to be a certain way so that they can be normal and accepted: I hope that my honest laughter can help them feel acceptance in being free. I guess that I hope that in being myself, others will feel more free to be themselves as well. This idea makes me feel much better about my uninhibited laughing patterns.

Picture no longer pending. Brendon Perkins. Nine months after I posted this, how on earth did you know that this is what I was looking for?

2/21/11

"Laughter.." by Harishaa on Flickr

A Degree

"I could get straight A's if I didn't learn anything."

School is not in place to teach us. It's to meet deadlines and learn what certain professors value so that you can answer a set number of questions accordingly. It's for jumping through hoops and conforming to an institutions time frame and . This is what I've learned so far in college:

• How to stay awake when you want to pass out from exhaustion.
• How to deny myself preservation instincts.
• How to memorize quickly and forget even quicker to make room for the next batch of information.
• How to compartmentalize an entire subject into a class, and from a class into a professors set of values and interests, and from those values into a set number of questions.
• To believe that I have to take a specific pattern of classes to gain a title in order to be prepared for a career later in life.
• To fill my time not with creative pursuits and research into what I find fascinating and valuable, but to only look into those facts which my professors find important for a specific class that I have been predestined to take by an institution.
• How to conform.
• How to stop thinking for myself.
• How to be miserable.
• How to stop living.
  

If I knew how to break free from the system, I think I would.

2/20/11

No destiny too small.

No Life Vain

Let me not deem that I was made in vain,
Or that my being was an accident,
Which fate, in working its sublime intent,
Not wished to be, to hinder would not deign.
Each drop uncounted in a storm of rain
Hath its own mission, and is duly sent
To its own leaf or blade, not idly spent
'Mid myriad dimples on the shipless main.
The very shadow of an insect's wing,
For which the violet cared not while it stayed,
Yet felt the lighter for its vanishing,
Proved that the sun was shining by its shade:
Then can a drop of the eternal spring,
Shadow of living lights, in vain be made?

Hartley Coleridge

2/19/11

Friend

Friends are not people you idolize, make you laugh, share your interests, or mesh with you perfectly. They are the ones that are loyal, love, and listen.

12/18/11

Self Control in love.

It seems that it's not that I've worked on controlling my anger and loving that my relationships with people have improved and I argue less. It seems that the people I'm surrounded with are much more even tempered and mature now than before, or than those I've previously experienced. Note to self: you suck at patience and self control.

2/17/11

Dependance

"Happiness only real when shared."
~Chris McCandless

I've always been good at sharing my happiness. For the majority of my life I've depended on others for happiness. Even though Chris learned that happiness is best when experienced with another person, I'm learning that there is happiness to be experienced alone. Chris's story has driven that point home to me: I don't need to learn to be eternally happy in complete solitude for the rest of my life, but solitude has happiness to offer that I am just now discovering.

2/16/11

Friend=Enemy

"You have heard that it was said, 'you shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

~Hebrew Bible

I'm learning that you can't really trust someone until they've broken your trust, and you can't really love someone until you've hated them. Yes, everyone is worthy of love. No one will earn it. No one is perfect, and every person will fail you and it's not until you've felt like throwing them out of your life that you can truly learn to love them. Even your friends will be your enemies. It's not until they do become your enemy and you have to love them anyway that you'll show them and experience real love.

2/15/11

I am (okay with) me.

I am me.
In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.
There are persons who have some parts like me,
but no one adds up exactly like me.

Therefore, everything that comes out of me
is authentically mine because I alone choose it.

I own everything about me
my body including everything it does;
my mind including all its thoughts and ideas;
my eyes including the images all they behold;
my feelings whatever they may be ...
anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement

my mouth and all the words that come out it
polite, sweet or rough,
correct or incorrect;
my voice loud or soft.
And all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes,
all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me I can become intimately acquainted with me.
By doing so I can love me and be friendly with me in all parts.
I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,
and other aspects that I do not know.
But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully, look for solutions to the puzzles
and for ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think
and feel at a given moment in time is me.
This is authentic and represents where I am in that moment in time.
When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I
thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting.
I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting,
And invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,
and to make sense and order out of the world of people
and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.

I am me and I am ok.

~Virginia Satir

2/14/11

Infected By The Sound

There are many songs and images I could have put up for today...but what always happens is that something grabs hold of me right before I can post and in that moment it's what I find most important. So I guess what I can say about myself for today is that I'm extremely affected by the moment. I mean...I could talk about relationships or self image but...doesn't this make you feel like you're peeling yourself off the floor with umph? It's the sound of motivation. I like the sound.

Florence + The Machine "Cosmic Love"

2/13/11

Anger II

Arguing is unacceptable.
No exceptions.

That's final.





2/12/11

Oh Love my Love

I heard the lyrics, "to burn in you, my love" today, sung to God. For the first time I knew what it meant to love God like a lover. I understand friendship, and I understand family, but I know what it means to be a lover, much deeper than many other things. I think, much deeper than most everything, even though I'm still learning what it really means.

This coming from someone who has given up on God.

I want to build my relationship with God as a lover, because that's the kind of relationship that means the most to me, and that's what's essential in this time where I need to learn what it really means to be a lover, the right way.

I think I'm beginning to see. I think I'm beginning to see a purpose in this epoch of my life. A pattern of melting, molding, and shaping. I think I'm beginning to see.

2/11/11

Would you rather?

If at a moments notice with nothing with you but the clothes on your back, you had to make a choice between living the rest of your life outside in the wilderness without any modern conveniences or locked in your house never to leave again, which would you pick? And what variables would determine which you chose?

For myself, I know that if I was alone I would choose the wilderness. If I was with someone I loved I feel much more inclined to choose my home.

But it's all a metaphor. It's deciding between a life of the unknown and wild adventures, and a life of unchanging familiarity and intimacy. At least that's what it is in my mind. If I knew I had to go alone, I would adventure wildly. And after that it depends on the person: I can think of people that I'd rather run into the unknown with, and others that I'd rather lay around on the couch with intimately all day.

I feel like how you answer this questions says a lot about who you are. I'm learning that I base my decisions around people much more than I base them around my own wants. For example: if I got a job offer somewhere else that sounded exotic and fun I'm not sure I would take it, because the people around me mean so much to me and for me its more about intimacy and familiarity than adventure.

What would you pick? Really. Feel free to respond: I want to hear your thoughts.

2/10/11

Acquaintance

An acquaintance walked up to me and a group of friends and handed us a book of love poems and told us to read this poem because they thought it was that good. Floored, I agreed, and upon it not having a title, and not being able to find it online, I typed it up straight from the book and counted myself infinitely lucky for acquaintances:


You and I have seen each other
at our best and our worst,
and still we remain friends.
Our love no longer depends on feelings,
but rather on a commitment of our wills
to seek only what is best for each other.

Past hurts and angry words
have not built walls between us.
Instead, they’ve become opportunities for us
to learn the meaning of forgiveness...

We’ve developed a mutual respect for each
~~~other
And a sensitivity to the needs of two
~~~fragile egos.

If ever you start to question what
~~~you mean to me,
all you need do is look into my eyes.
It’s easy to see that each day
my appreciation for you
~~~continues to grow.

Nothing
~~~and no one
~~~~~~will change my love for you.

-Susan Ellington

2/9/11

As you wish

With that she hurried to her room.

She stayed there many days. At first her parents tried to lure her, but she would not have it. They took to leaving food outside her room, and she took bits and shreds, enough to stay alive. There was never noise inside, no wailing, no bitter sounds.

And when she at last came out, her eyes were dry. Her parents stared up from their silent breakfast at her. They both started to rise but she put a hand out, stopped them. "I can care for myself, please," and she set about getting some food. They watched her closely.

In point of fact, she had never looked as well. She had entered her room as just an impossibly lovely girl. The woman who emerged was a trifle thinner, a great deal wiser, an ocean sadder. This one understood the nature of pain, and beneath the glory of her features, there was character, and a sure knowledge of suffering.

She was eighteen. She was the most beautiful woman in a hundred years. She didn't seem to care.

"You're all right?" Her mother asked.

Buttercuped sipped her cocoa. "Fine," she said.

"You're sure?" her father wondered.

"Yes," Buttercup replied. There was a very long pause. "But I must never love again."


She never did.

~The Princess Bride by William Goldman

2/8/11

To be continued.

2/7/11

Vapor

I can't promise any more than a day. What I want changes daily, my opinions change daily, my beliefs change daily. I can't promise who I am to anyone for more than a day. Maybe I can't promise more than a moment. But if you'll take who I am for that day, or that moment, and not hold change against me, you can have that day. You can have that moment.

2/6/11

Awkward

There are times when I don't know how to be cool. Then I feel inadequate and unliked.
Then I learn how to have fun.

2/5/11

Kiki's Delivery Service

2/4/11

Soulbeat

Soul says:


I said:

"I just want to run away and dance. Go to a club. Be a wild thing: with my Audrey Hepburn hair!"

2/3/11

Too sunny to run away

Hating and overwhelmed and angry and depleted and humiliated at myself, today I let this song run through my mind, this dance relive my life, my soul act out this photograph, forcing me to rekindled a past desire.



I'm going to run away.



















But in the end the sun was too bright, though it told me it was the perfect day for it, and the people too helpful to discourage me into quitting even though I was unhappy and tired and so unhappy and so tired, and my instincts too persevering to watch me crumble. And by perfect calculation I was placed above it all, exactly the symbolic perspective I needed to feel as though I had transcended the chaos and pushed a pause button for life, and it turned out that the day had been much too sunny to run away.

I could fill every entry for this year right now. I had everything to write about today.

Photo by Grace Kathleen titled,"What you don't remember, you cannot forget"

2/2/11

A Rare Window

1/31/11

"Your life is this beautiful."

Dedicated to Mumford and Sons...since they're currently the soundtrack of my life.

~*~

We walked into the coffee shop and immediately the cards stood out to me. Scenes of flowers, tidacks, books upon books upon books upon vintage rubish gave off a feeling of lazy sunny joy and I smiled at him and said, "I wish my life was this beautiful," and he said, "your life is this beautiful."

As we drank our coffee and laughed and laughed and laughed and avoided our work in favor of petty games he said to me, "See, your life is this beautiful."

And as he drove me home and we blared this song and we sang and we sang and we sang, I knew my life was this beautiful.

2/1/11